There’s a saying on HBO’s hit television show Game of Thrones, and that’s “You Win or you Die.”
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Well, from the Rockies perspective, not only are they dead right now – due to a nauseating amount of losing recently – but their heads have been chopped off, just like poor old Ned Stark.
In fact, the Rockies have been so bad, losing 14 of 18 games; I would rather re-watch every Game of Thrones episode over and over again, than watch these Rockies losses continue to pile up.
So in honor of the best show on television, I will use Game of Thrones characters and concepts as a foundation for this article, and relate them to the Rockies travesty of a season. If you have never seen Game of Thrones, I apologize, because this article won’t make much sense, and because you are missing out on an outstanding show. I implore you to watch this amazing television experience, which just wrapped up its second season, because it’s way more entertaining than the Rockies right now.
The current king of the Seven Kingdoms in GOT is a putrid little squirt named King Joffrey. He came to power because of his conniving mother – Queen Cersei Lannister. We will equate Joffrey to Dan O-Dowd, the Rockies general manager. Why? Because he has all the power, makes terrible, questionable decisions, and nobody likes him.
Wait I take that back. One person likes him, and that is Queen Cersei. Cersei, naturally, is the Monforts, because Dan O’Dowd is their prized possession that they so dearly love and protect. Even if everybody in the seven kingdoms wants to see him removed from his position, and stripped of his crown. King Joffrey (O’Dowd) is despised by all, but safe on the Iron Throne (General Manager), because he hides behind the skirt of his mother the Queen (Monforts).
Then there is the Hand of the King. This person is the grace’s right hand man that deals with the King’s everyday matters. His name is Tywin Lannister. As you might have guessed, we’ll say that is Jim Tracy. And just like Tracy, Tywin is very likeable and eloquent, and isn’t hated by the masses. He is also a seasoned general that has lived through many wars, and has endured many battles. Tracy has managed over 1,600 games in his managerial career.
But nonetheless, Tracy is associated with a regime that is due for a change. The masses, or Rockies fans if you will, are thirsty for a rebellion. King Joffrey and Cersei must be usurped. And when a king is overthrown, those in power around him are generally not retained. Once O-Dowd is finally usurped, do you think the new GM will keep around the same manager? No way. And when Joffrey is finally toppled, there will be no mercy shown to any Lannister. (That also means Bob Apodaca should be shown the door as well, by the way.)
There are other character parallels between that show and The Show. Everybody who watches GOT loves a character called Tyrion Lannister. He is the Lannister that everyone likes, so it seems logical to compare him to Troy Tulowitzki, the Colorado Rockie that everyone likes. Tyrion plays the “Game of Thrones” very well, just like Tulo plays the game of baseball quite well. They are both smart, cunning, have great hair, and are a hit with the ladies. They also both also contain an Achilles heel. Tulo’s main weakness is that he can’t seem to stay healthy for an entire season. Tyrion’s main weakness is that he is a dwarf which leads many to underestimate him. I know what your thinking – Associating Tulo to a dwarf is kind of low (pun not originally intended) But they are both such likeable personalities, I had to draw the comparison. Besides, Tulo is an all-star short-stop, while Tyrion is an all-star short-man.
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Another swashbuckling character on GOT is a man named Jon Snow. He is Carlos Gonzalez. They are both very good looking, both outstanding athletes, and both are experts at wielding a sword/bat. Jon Snow could be the best sword fighter on GOT, and Cargo might be the best pure hitter on the Rockies roster. Jon Snow never got to know his mother because he is the bastard-son of Ned Stark (the honorable dude with the chopped off head). CarGo never really knew his “baseball mother,” having never played for the team who drafted him. He was actually drafted by the Diamondbacks, traded to the A’s, and then shipped here in the Matt Holliday trade.
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Jon Snow is just like Cargo, but they live in different realms.
CarGo and Jon Snow are both standouts on their respective teams. Jon is a key member of the The Knights Watch – the ancient brotherhood that protects the realm, while Cargo is a key member in the Rockies future plans. He currently leads the Rox in batting average, home runs, runs batted in, and runs scored. Both the Rockies lineup and the Knights Watch ranks would be a joke without these two studs.
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The Mother of Dragons
Perhaps the most enthralling plot of GOT revolves around Daenerys Targaryen. Not only is she a bodacious blond bombshell that is an awesome alpha-female, she possesses some thing that nobody else has in the entire realm – and that is dragons. That’s right, she is “the Mother of Dragons” and once her dragons grow up, there’s no telling what kind of power shift we will witness. So I am going to equate the dragons in GOT to pitching in the MLB. Because whoever has dragons will have the power, and that is also true about pitching. Winning teams always have good pitching, and the Rockies pitching right now is dreadful. How dreadful? On the Rockies current pace, their starters will set the all time mark for the highest ERA for a starting rotation. The all-time mark!
King Joffrey doesn’t have dragons, and that should lead to his demise someday. Dan O-Dowd doesn’t have legitimate pitching, and that should lead to his demise as well. How many chances to compile a worthy pitching staff are we going to give O-Dowd? Only two pitchers on our roster are home grown, and that includes the recently signed cast-off Jeff Francis. Not only has O-Dowd failed to find stellar arms in the draft, but he has traded away solid arms as well. Jason Hammel looks to be a lock to play in the All-star game while Jeremy Guthrie has been relegated to the bullpen.
Winter is coming. That’s a common saying in GOT. It refers to the long seasons that occur in the Westeros, which is the where the show takes place. Summers can last for years on end, and so can winters too. And winter is indeed coming in Game of Thrones. Well, winter can’t come fast enough for the Rockies, because there is no question this is going to be a long, long season.
The “Winter is Coming” term also eerily refers to the awakening of an ancient breed of creatures who have been hibernating for years known as White Walkers. The White Walkers are savage beasts who transform those they kill into zombies that then join their army. But to tell you the truth. I say bring the White Walkers on. Enduring an attack from mystical creatures sounds better than enduring the Rockies season right now, because it’s truly becoming hard to watch.
Season Three of Game of Thrones will probably start next April. So will the Rockies 2013 season. I can’t wait for both.
Follow Zach Cohn on twitter @zscohn1.